Yes, I’m back for more. By the way, did I happen to mention that I haven’t menstruated in 3 months? You know, just to add a little interest to the mix. No worries, I’m pretty sure it has to do with the pill that I switched to, since I haven’t had a period since I started on this new one (Yaz). I called the gynecologist and they said that it’s normal with this pill, but it sure doesn’t help my anxiety level to have that little irregularity hanging over my head. 😆 I’ll just continue buying a pregnancy test every month until everything comes back into balance, I guess.
In other news, Dr. Steve really doesn’t want me to start school in August. I understand his reasoning and I agree with him, but I’m so bored and restless right now that I’m chomping at the bit. I’m hoping that if I get back into stitching more regularly, some of the restlessness will be alleviated. Hopefully. I’m also hoping to start school in October or November. The problem is that something has to give somewhere in order for me to have the time to devote to school. The Art Institute Online says to plan on spending 15-20 hours a week per class and you have to log in at least 4 days a week and provide meaningful interaction. Dr. Steve’s concern (rightly so) is that, with working full time and keeping up with One Star’s Light, I can’t manage to get to bed and get enough sleep every night as it is. So, where exactly am I going to come up with another 20 hours a week for my coursework? Touché.
I had a good talk with Terry last the other night. I had a sudden crying jag as I laid down to go to sleep that just wouldn’t stop. My throat was swelling up, so I had to sit up so that I could breathe and swallow better. Poor Terry, he has to put up with so much sometimes and yet, never a complaint from him. I am truly blessed with such caring and kind family and friends. Anyway, we talked about how much I hate work right now. He thinks that it’s all symptomatic of my being so off-balance right now because he says that he’s seen how excited I can get about my work and what great work I do. He finds it hard to believe that I really dislike my job so much, but I am fairly overloaded. You see, I don’t know if you remember, but I’ve been trying to get out of my current position for several years now. Problem is, I do my job too well. And they have strapped us into a budget that allows for no extra headcount. I knew this year was going to be bad when I found out that they wouldn’t even allow room in the budget for the consultant that we were planning on bringing in to help take over some of my work. I still have 3/4 of the fiscal year left to get through, so I’ll have to figure out some way of managing my stress better. I cannot tell you how many years in a row I have stated in my development plan that I need a stress management class. Deaf ears and blind eyes, it all falls upon.
And it all falls back on the fact that I am too hard on myself. I am not satisfied with anything but my absolute best. I am my own worst critic. To be honest, I need to get a little better at not giving a da**. But the reality is that I have a Type A personality. My concern is that I’ve been like this for over 30 years. How do you reverse 30 years worth of behavior? How do you fight who you are at your very core? How do you change that? It seems very daunting at the moment. I think it’s time for me to go back and read my book on cognitive therapy again. The next battle is here.
I don’t have any wise words, but remember: even the journey of thousand miles begins with one small step.
Oh my Jenna, your posts after sessions with Dr. Steve are so full of so many emotions and things. I don’t have any wise words to offer either. The only thing I can say is, I tend to agree with Dr. Steve, when are you going to sleep?! And I know what it is like to not sleep for long days/weeks/months at a time and I know what I’m like during this time. The only thing I can say for certain is, you have to be your own best friend. I wish you much luck in your journey toward discovery. It’s going to be hard road to hoe.
Dr Steve is a pretty wise man in his own right. I also have a hard time accepting the limitations of ‘real life’ but after the ordeal I went through trying to keep up with my classwork (and failing, to my continued amazement and dismay) even though Niek gently warned me that I already had to much going on … well, all I can say is, proceed with caution. Overloading yourself – and then being unable to perform up to your usual standard – sucks. To be blunt. Puts the ol’ ego over the fire, tramples the self-confidence, etc.
As for work, Niek and I are dealing with similiar stuff and I just don’t know what to say. If you think of something brilliant, let me know! LOL!
Wait, school? Does that mean our votes worked?! I didn’t remember seeing a post about that.
I wish I had some advice about the work situation. But I’m another one who loves what I do and simply has way too much of it. The bosses are aware (how could tehy not be with how my desk looks?) but are unwilling to change yet. I think they’re hoping to wait till the other secretary retires (she just hit 70) and shuffle tasks when her replacement starts.
I’m no expert; however think … If your standards for your self are impossible – measure the outcome & change your standards. Impossible is just that. If you are just being you, then, you really cannot. If you feel you are too hard on yourself, you probably are. That you can change over time. Meanwhile, if stitching is part of the key to your happiness — go for it : )
Jenna, you and I are so alike in lots of ways. I could have written the first 3 sentences of your last paragraph, word for word. I think Dr. Steve has a point about school – it may be the straw that breaks the proverbial camel’s back if you’re already snowed under and finding it hard to fit everything in. I can’t really offer any advice, but please take care and weigh up all the options carefully before making any long-term plans and decisions.
Oh sweetie. Hugs.
(Enter me, being silly:) What you need to do is to freak out at work part way through the morning, say on a Tuesday. Then call in sick the rest of the week. 😉
I rather did that once, actually. We had just bought our house (it’s huge, so it was extra scary), my job was stressful, moving took 6 weeks, my job was stressful, the week after we finished moving my inlaws came to stay for 2 weeks, and did I mention that my job was stressful? I was on the phone one morning with a perfectly wonderful person with a perfectly normal computer problem, and I freaked. I did my best to not let him realize it, but I freaked. I put him on hold, and called over one of my co-workers. She took over the call there at my desk while I went to our boss, and informed him I was going home. He took one look at me and told me to take as much time as I needed. I didn’t go back all that week. It was great. Especially after my inlaws left (several days early). I just needed some time away. Without. Added. Stress.
You need it, too. When was the last time you had a few days to do exactly what you want? Not on a weekend? Take some days. Do something fun. Or relaxing. Or both. But don’t work.
Hugs.
Here’s my assvice – talk to your mamager in a sincere, unemotional way. Explain you are snowed under, they cannot help, and you are looking for another job. They cannot fire you – they have to help out, as you say you are good at what you do, and they will appreciate that. If they want to keep you on they will do something positive. {Remember that emotion defeats the importance of the message, less emotion = more reaction from your audience}.
If they don’t change things, why are you hanging around?
Remember recently I started looking for another job? Well I told them all, no really!! And my previous manager; I told him more or less the real reasons for my looking around. The two stock takes a month were so maddening, I no sooner finished one and I started another, I couldn’t even focus on whether this was a month end one or a mid month one, they came around so quickly. Then I was squashing my other work into the other two weeks of the month.
This last month they dropped the second stock take, and guess what – I didn’t even notice. What with having a cold and being so overwhemed with other bits and pieces that ‘someone’ thinks I can manage daily, I really did not notice, until the Friday!! But they had reacted to my decision to look elswhere for employment {it took them 4 months to find me to fill this postition, so I think maybe that was their worry}.
Anyway, that’s my 2c’s worth!! A long 2c, but my ‘theory of relativity according to Coral’.
Oh, I was about to say I cannot advise anything, but then I read Laura’s comment, and she is right! When I took a week off after my grandma passed away, it really put me back on track. Knowing ahead that you have a whole deliberately *free* week to look forward to really does wonder for the mind. I do hope you can do that. Not bits and pieces of a break, here and there. A big chunk of pure R&R.
Thinking of you, my friend. You know what I told you yesterday – about your strength and ability to face your problems and deal with them. It holds even truer today.
I know this is a tough time for you… with so much going on, so much to deal with… BUT, I also know that you are a strong, brave woman. With your own strengths, your wonderful Terry’s support, and the awareness of your friends’ love and care, I am confident that you will manage to get over this. It IS tough, and it may take time, but I’m sure you’ll manage 🙂
Sending lots of hugs and positive vibes to you!!
PS: I do realize you do need more than one week to feel profoundly better (my first § wasn’t that clear), but it may give you a good start. 🙂
Dr. Steve is right. If you are that overwhelmed now, you won’t be doing anyone any favors by trying to go to school on top of everything. Trust me on this one, I speak from experience.
Regarding work, you’ve got a lot of good ad(ss! LOL)vice on this. You need to take a few personal days. Sick days, vacation days, whatever. Take at least three days off (so you have 5 with the weekend) just to calm down a little. You need a mental holiday. Then talk to the boss (and the boss’s boss if necessary) – explain you are overwhelmed and then just do your job within reason, and within a normal 9-5 or whatever workday. Just do it and walk away. I still get really wound up at work, but at home, I’m finall somewhat sane because I’m refusing to let the overload get in the way, and it helps tremendously. I was pulling more than 20-30 hrs of unpaid overtime trying to get *everything* done and right because I put a lot on myself too, but you just can’t do it all of the time and you need to accept that.
I know what you mean about being Type A. I am highly critical of myself and very detail oriented – I want things to be right. I think where you can look at making a change is in how you cope with things…you’ll always prob be Type A, always want things done right, always be self-critical, but you can change how all that effects you. If it sends you into a tailspin of anxiety and depression, then that’s where you can work on things. Just a thought. I think your sessions with Dr. Steve are really productive, and you are an amazing woman – plus you have an amazing level-headed guy at your side! Maybe see if you can find an online stress management course and propose it to your boss?
There are some good suggestions already, just be kind to yourself, take a break and then perhaps re-evaluate. Make a list regarding priorities and where you see yourself in the future, and whether these priorities can get you to where you want to be.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}} and take care.
There are some good suggestions already, just be kind to yourself, take a break and then perhaps re-evaluate. Make a list regarding priorities and where you see yourself in the future, and whether these priorities can get you to where you want to be.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}} .