Last night saw me in Dr. Steve’s office again for my regularly scheduled visit. And it was a rough visit. Lots of tears. New issues coming out, or rather old issues coming back up to the surface.
You see, I am my own worst critic. I am extremely hard on myself. Extremely. I don’t know why; I don’t know how I’ve fallen into this trap, but I’ve always demanded the absolute best of myself for decades.
But, we’ll start at the beginning… of the session, that is. It was quiz time again. Every few months, I have to answer two sets of 25 questions – one is the Burns depression test and the other is the Burns anxiety test. This allows Dr. Steve to analyze how I’m doing across time. The depression score wasn’t too bad. It was an 18, which is good for me and indicates that I’m managing the depression. The anxiety score was high, though – 33. As high as when I first started seeing him over a year ago. Isn’t that mildly distressing? 😆 Actually, I knew that one or both of the scores were going to be pretty high, based on how I’ve been feeling over the past week and a half. It’s not necessarily indicative of how I’ve been doing in the months since the last time I was scored, but it is true to how poorly I’ve been feeling of late.
And my diagnosis has been changed. Which I knew was coming, based on last week’s and then last weekend’s events. The anxiety diagnosis is obviously still there (in a BIG way), but instead of dysthymia (which is low-level, chronic depression), he’s changing it to cyclothymia. This takes into account the swings, so it is basically dysthymia with upswings.
According to one website, “Cyclothymia is a chronic bipolar disorder consisting of short periods of mild depression and short periods of hypomania (lasting a few days to a few weeks), separated by short periods of normal mood. Individuals with cyclothymia (thymia: from the Greek word for mind) are never free of symptoms of either depression or hypomania for more than two months at a time.”
That sounds about right and I’m actually fairly comfortable with the diagnosis. It’s basically the mildest form of bipolar disorder, with two levels of severity above it. “Genetic factors appear to be causative in cyclothymia as they do in the Bipolar Disorders. Many of those affected have a family history of major depression, bipolar disorder, suicide or alcohol/drug dependence.” Check, check, check and check. ALL of those are in my immediate family. Also, “Sleep difficulties are prominent, with affected persons sleeping little during hypomania, and “unable to get out of bed” during depression.
So, Dr. Steve is now anxiously awaiting the psychologist’s verdict when I see him on July 6th. I told him that I didn’t want to medicate for it, that I didn’t want to be a zombie, I still wanted to feel the highs and lows of life and I actually didn’t mind the hypomanic periods. His response, though, was that there is a price to pay for the hypomania and we both agree that that’s the part I don’t like. I can’t afford to miss work because I can’t get out of bed in order to provide the energy for the later hypomania. *sigh* I know he’s right, but … I just really hate to change meds again. I know it’s all part of the process, but I dislike not knowing how I’m going to react when I try a different medication regimen. I just want to be stable. I want to be normal again.
But, enough about that. There’s no sense crying over spilt milk. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. How many other clichés can I throw in there? 😉
You know what? I’m tired of talking about it for the moment, so the rest of my update will have to wait. More later.
(((Jenna)))
I hope you and the doctors can find some mild medication that helps you without making you feel like you’re losing grasp of your emotions and basically of your life. I also hope you’re feeling better than last week.
It is very brave of you to want to face your problems and not be helped too much with medication. (I’ve been fighting *very hard* the urge to take a sleeping pill every night since my grandma’s passing – but it isn’t right, it’s not natural, and I need to cope on my own. However, my own problem is -hopefully- temporary…).
I do hope you can find a satisfactory compromise that means you’ll be able to have a “normal” (ha, what is that anyway) life AND still feel yourself 🙂
Big hugs to you! I love you, my friend.
{{{Jenna}}} I hope you can find suitable medication which allows you to control the bipolar symptoms without creating the “zombie” effect that you’re concerned about. I hear you on the wanting to be normal thing – I feel the same way myself about my anxiety issues. Take care.
My best friend is bipolar and had a really terrible time with the meds – he was not diagnosed with the “lighter” form you have, though. He’s found a lot of relief through alternative methods, including herbal supplements and lots of therapy. Good luck to you. I truly believe you’re a hero and am 100% here for anytime you want to talk. Take care!!!
Jenna (((hugs)))
Your post hits so close to home for me! I understand about the meds. I hate feeling like a zombie, too. As for the normal issue look at it this way, you are a normal…it’s just everyone else that isn’t 🙂
Hey Jenna:
Perhaps in the ‘knowing’ you will be able to focus on more positive things. Good to know there are medications out there for this dx. Are the meds for all the time? Or, just for when you feel you need them? I’m very ignorant about medications.
First of all {{{{{HUGS}}}}} to you. I know what you mean about feeling like a zombie. My meds are quite mild and still allow my emotions to come through, I think this is important from a healing perspective, in that you don’t really know how you are ‘really’ feeling if the meds are clouding your emotions.
Try not to be too hard on yourself, and take care.
(((Hugs))) – hope you are able to work through this with your doctor.
I’m so sorry you’re going to have to endure another change of meds, Jenna. Hope they find something good for you on the very first try, with very limited side effects. {{{{{Jenna}}}}}
Thanks for the e-birthday card! It was really funny. 😀
So, first up; disregard my mail to you earlier, you have answered most of it here, and I can imagine it just made you frustrated reading it!
Secondly; you are brave at ‘putting it out here’ for us all to see. (I have retreated a bit in my blogging since my older sister has ‘found’ my blog and started commenting. Not a welcome change to my life)!
Thirdly: I only hope you feel more ‘even’ with time and I wish you only good things (but you knew that already!).
Love and hugs
xxxx – cross stitches!
Big hugs – you are really making progress with your sessions and with your ability to look at yourself and determine what you are ok with and not ok with.
Funny – my entire immediate family has the same checks. Are you sure we aren’t related? 🙂
I like my manic periods and didn’t want to medicate for them either, but unfortunately, everyone else has such a hard time with them, that I don’t want to burden others. Finding medication that doesn’t make you a zombie is such a pain, too, so I understand your feelings.
I’m glad you have a good doctor to talk with and work things out. I’m medically managing for now, but it’s always good to hear about others that are doing well 🙂