I was just “talking” to Barbara the other day and mentioned that I’ve been feeling restless lately. It’s like no matter what I’m doing, I feel like I want to or ought to be doing something different. Then the thought came to me: Isn’t it inherent to us, as human beings, to strive for something more, something else? Isn’t that the nature of the human condition? Or is it?
I was curious as to what others thought. Do you ever feel this way? I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’m content with my lot in life, as a whole. I have a good life, I have good friends and I have everything I need. I just wonder sometimes if I wasn’t meant to be doing something more with my life.
I cannot express it any more clearly than that, unfortunately. It’s just a persistent feeling that I could be doing something big, something important, something… I don’t know. Like I’m supposed to be this bigger, better, brighter star. If I could put my finger on it, I would probably be a lot happier. Not that I’m not happy now. There’s just this tickle that’s always lurking in the back of my brain. Like a shadow that flits by the corner of your eye, but when you turn your head quickly to catch it, all you get is dizzy. 😆
On another note, I had my biweekly appointment with Dr. Steve last night. Solid waterworks from start to finish, for the most part. I hate being out of control, especially when it comes to crying, so it’s never comfortable for me. I blame that on working in an male-dominated industry for too many years. But I suck it up and deal because I need to work through some of this old pain that I’m still carrying around.
Divorce is an ugly thing. Don’t get me wrong, if you are deeply unhappy in a relationship or being abused, get out! It’s no better for a child to deal with constant fighting, tension and stress in their lives. But don’t kid yourself. Even an amicable divorce can scar a child. Even a teenage child. There is no “easy” divorce or easy decision where children are involved. As I’ve heard Dr. Phil say time and time again, children have a unique ability to find fault in and blame themselves when adults are unhappy.
Or, in my case, you end up with a lifelong struggle against an overwhelming urge to “fix” everyone that you care about and everything that’s wrong in their lives. Yep, that’s me. A fixer. And it hurts because I cannot fix anyone other than myself. That’s reality. But reality and logic often have little to do with affairs of the heart, now do they? 😉
Anyway, I have abandonment issues. We started off talking about me wanting to help fix the problems of a coworker who was just diagnosed with endometriosis and is being pressured by her doctor to either have children now or have a full hysterectomy. Yeah, we won’t get into that issue in this post, but let’s just say that it hits close to home, since I was diagnosed at the tender age of 18 with endometriosis myself. Which brings me around to the whole issue of should we have a child or not. And, for some reason, last night the ‘nots’ weren’t weighing as much as they usually do. I’ll blame it on hormones or something. I’m just not 100% comfortable yet with the decision to not have children, I guess. And I may never be. I run just as much risk of being unhappy with the decision to have a child. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t, I suppose.
And then, somehow, by the end of the session, everything came back around to the abandonment issue. Crud. That’s a thorn that lies so deep and have been so thoroughly covered with layers and layers of scar tissue over the years that I’m having a tough time pulling it out so that I can examine it and hopefully get rid of it. And it’s painful. Crud. The adult in me can easily use logic and reason to explain it away, but the kid in me has her fingers in her ears, saying “La la la la la la la la. I can’t hear you and I don’t care. It still sucks.” Sooner or later, the two are going to have to meet on neutral ground and come to an agreement if I am ever going to heal.
I think the thorn is shifting, but everytime I move it up towards the light a little bit during a session with Dr. Steve, I go home afterwards and bury it again, covering it over with yet another layer of scar tissue. Something tells me this is going to be a bloody battle…
Jenna, you are such a hero for continuing to force that thorn closer to the surface! I find myself in periods where I have to confront it, but I’ve never been able to continually work away at it. It certainly never goes away on its own! Sometimes I wonder if the family I’m creating is at least in part my way of “answering” the problems of the past. It’s a big family where everyone has their say; it’s noisy and messy and downright chaotic; there are no subjects that are taboo and on the very rare occassions that Niek and I have a tiff, the kids know it’s okay to pop up and say ‘what’s going on?’. It is very imperfect but it seems to be working for me. (Knock wood!! LOL!)
Jenna what a very lovely post. I’m sure it is hard to feel the way you feel and to share it with any old person that stops by is something special.
First I want to say, my parents divorced also, and because of it I’m a different person than what I would have been had they stayed married. Better or worse, I’ll never know, but one thing is sure. I’m completely happy with who I am and what I stand for. Yes, I have hurts and pains about what went on before, during and after the divorce, but if that wouldn’t have happened I wouldn’t be who I am today. And I like who I am today…I’m not perfect, but who is?
As far as the tickle….I can honestly say I don’t have it. But I think you’re exploring your tickle by enrolling yourself in the Art Institute, and perhaps you should re-evaluate the child thing. You don’t have to bear a child to be its mother. I’m sure you’ve thought that might be the tickle before…whatever you do, you will do it with success. You’ve grabbed the bull by the horn in many instances and have made wonderful moves in your life. (i.e. OSL, etc.) All you have to do is follow your heart. Your heart alot of the time is way ahead of your head. Best wishes, good luck and I commend you for your spirit 🙂
Vonna, you are absolutely right. I would not be who I am today without the events that transpired in the past. And I am quite content with who I am. That said, that’s still the logic and reason that my adult self uses to assuage myself. It doesn’t work for my inner child, though. 🙂 I’m allowing that wounded, newly teen-aged girl a little bit of a whine to help work out some of the residual pain, hopefully for good!
It’s good to know that the tickle isn’t actually inherent to the human condition. So maybe there IS something that I’m meant to do, after all. The hunt continues…
There is this Finnish saying “living mind strives to go onwards” and I think it has great wisdom in it.
And honestly, if I meet a person who has no goals, no inner need to improve something in one’s life, no need to learn new I tend to judge them as lost souls – and honestly I can’t think what is worth living in life like that, just existing.
Admittedly no one has find the meaning of life, but I go with that theory that we ought to strive for good life, also in other parts than just morally (continuous learning is one part of good life, if you ask from me). That when our days are at end we could be happy that we did what we really wanted to do and took the most of it.
Sometimes thorns get out easily, sometimes you need to have a long surgery to get them out because they are so deep inside of you. Just believe that some day, no matter does the battle take one day or fifty years, it will come out – human mind just is wonderfully complicated thing and you never know how long it needs to remove certain thorns.
When it comes to divorce… personally I never blamed myself on my parents’ divorce, maybe it makes me a bit odd, but then… their divorce meant that I could get few years of happiness before I turned eighteen, so for me their divorce was a lifesaver – and I had waited it for eight years before it happened… Lovely daughter, aren’t I? 😆
And in case of my own divorce: I don’t believe in divorce, but I don’t believe in unhappiness either. And I have never actually regretted making the decision.
Life carries on. No matter how much it sleets at the moment, sun will shine again some day. 🙂
I feel that tickle too…like isn’t there something I should be doing, when will I figure out what it is? And with regard to your thorn…I think that even though it may feel like you are covering it back up, you really aren’t covering it back up to the extent you think you are. Each time you look at it, you have new perspective, you have changed, and it enables you to chip away at those layers. My “minister” calls it peeling away the layers of the onion. It’s still the same onion, but never the same exact layer. Bug hugs. I’ll see what I can do about putting some stitches in on Barnabee.
I feel exactly like that – except for me it hasn’t been feeling like a tickle, it’s been feeling like a… well, thorn would be a good way to describe it! Like if I just figure out where in the heck it is, and pull it out, I’ll be comfortable again. I’ve had this feeling of slight unrest, of something just at the edge of my vision, for about 8 months now. For me, I don’t think i’s about anything ‘big’, or super ‘important’, just… different. I don’t know how to explain it either 🙂
Yup, I get those tickles too!
And I was diagnosed with endometriosis back in ’94 following exploratory surgery to figure what was wrong with me. I was told, at the age of 18 at the time that if I wanted children I would have to have them soon. Yup, at 18, and still a senior in high school! Eleven years later, after two healthy babies, I had the second surgery with the understanding they may do nothing and have to go back in and do a hysterectomy.- As luck would have it, I am not as bad as I could be. One never knows what the body can and will do!
Hang in there, it sounds like you are already a mom with a deep urge to help and heal all those around you.
*hugs for you***
Even though you feel as though the thorn is going back in, I am sure that it is not going in all the way. You are dealing with very deep seated issues and the fact that you recognise that you do have issues to deal with is half the battle. I also think that writing about your issues has to be helping you. Be kind to yourself, you are a wonderful person and deal with things one step at a time. {{{HUGS}}}
{{{{Jenna}}}} I’m just so proud of you for continuing the healing process, even though it is soooo hard.
It seems there’s always another hill beyond the one we’ve just climbed, another goal to be reached, a new area to grow in, a different season in life coming at us. Keep reaching, learning, and growing. 🙂
When I was younger, I felt restless all the time. Honest. All the time. It wasn’t anything that I could control. I was just in a hurry to get to the next point in my life. I had a mental check-list, not from my family’s instruction, but my own check-list of things I wanted to do.
And, I’m a ducks-in-a-row person. I like a life plan, an order to things. I don’t judge others, I don’t like to persuade anybody, I just had this plan in my mind.
Generally, over the years, my ‘plan’ didn’t always work out. Esp when the children arrived & I realized I didn’t have control over everything. Our family was full of individuals with needs & my focus really shifted.
Now that I am nearing 50, I don’t feel restless anymore. I just roll with life & look forward to simpler times — and everything worked out ok & I’m happy with things as they are.
So, hang in there with the restless feeling. I just remain hopeful that you feel secure where you are – and loved by your family. Those or most important.
Always, L.