Early Morning Wake-up

Okay, so maybe it’s not early for many of you, but pre-7:00 AM is definitely early for me. It’s been a rough night, with another sinus migraine (though not as painful as the one a couple of days ago) causing me not to get to sleep until after 2:30 this morning. And yet, here I am. Yes. The Maxalt took away the pain (though I feel another headache trying to form, or maybe the same one starting to poke through, but I am studiously ignoring it at the moment), but I have a core of anxiety left behind that kept me from being able to sleep any longer. Plus an empty stomach that is quite cranky from having so many drugs dumped on it in the middle of the night.

So, I got out of bed. Partly to get something into my stomach, partly to get some of the thoughts out of my head and partly to take an additional anti-anxiety medication for a boost to get over this hump.

You see, I’m very nervous about this big project at work. I need to jump on it and stay on top of it since the deadline, while 9 away, is looming quickly for the amount of development work that I’m going to need to do on it. The funny thing is, I thought that this project was going to be different. I thought that I was going to be managing it, but would have some help to do some parts while I focused on the development (while managing it). My last big project was not viewed as a raging success, mostly because I was working in a vaccuum and a team of higher-ups had some opinions on my timing that were never shared with me. *sigh* That isn’t going to happen again, but it is starting to appear that this is going to be another solo effort. Sure I have some backing this time and input from a couple of other people here at the start, but once I set the path forward, it’s pretty much me, myself and I for the next several months. Not exactly what I was hoping for with this project, but something I should be used to by now.

I had a long, involved discussion with Terry about the project when he got home last night (I worked from home, waiting for the antibiotics to kick in) and it helped me to nail down what I think is going to be my plan for tackling this project, plus a base understanding of the existing application that I’m looking to replace so that I can start to get a feel for how to architect its replacement. I was feeling pretty good about this when I went to bed, like things are coming under my control again. Until I woke up in a cold sweat this morning, remembering something the developer of the original application had said that is going to throw a serious monkey wrench (I think) into how I was starting to lay out the application. I’m sure I’ll feel better once I bounce this new realization off of Terry and again gather more knowledge on exactly how things work right now. But he’s not going to be up, with neurons fully firing for that kind of discussion, for a few hours yet. Which is where the anti-anxiety booster comes in, since my brain is going 90 miles an hour and refuses to shut off.

I hate feeling like I’m behind. I hate that this project is not what I had hoped for. I’m used to relying on myself, but I’m very tired of working solo on applications. I’ve been doing that for years. The point is to stretch myself and grow my career. BAH!

Regardless of what this project turns out to be, I am bound and determined to make it a success. And one that people will hopefully take notice of (for once), despite being developed in a relative blackhole of space.

I’m not looking for sympathy or any responses. I know that you all support me in every aspect of my life. 🙂 I’m just ranting…