I just had a revelation this morning. Something that will probably seem very basic to everyone else, but was MAJOR for me.
I was dealing with the coworker that I referenced last week and we were working on some issues with some code that I had written. We were instant messaging back and forth, so I wrote that I was relatively green when it comes to this particular programming language. To which said person responded that I shouldn’t be that green, that this was basic program flow. I felt about 1 inch high at that moment.
Until a few minutes later, it hit me. I allowed that person to make me feel that way. No other person really has the ability to manipulate my emotions, unless I allow them to do so. So, why would I let this person make me feel badly about myself and my skills when I am a very good programmer (I’m a very good dri-ver…). I’m not going to give anyone that power over me, and why should I?
Another thing that I came to understand about myself sometime last week is that I am a very vibrant person. I live my life in full color, with a lot of passion and gusto. I feel everything intensely; it’s part of what makes me who I am. Although this means that I feel pain very vividly, I also feel joy just as vividly. It’s a trade-off. My lows are lower than some people’s, but my highs are higher, as well. While that may sound bipolar, I don’t think that I am. I find it hard to explain, but the best I can do is to say that I am very passionate about everything in my life. When I’m excited, you know it. I don’t internalize, I don’t fail to show emotion. I put myself and my feelings out there for everyone to see. I am intense. I am extreme. And I wouldn’t want to be any other way, honestly. When I thought about this last week, I realized that I am happy to be who I am. I want to live my life to the fullest. I want to feel it, taste it, drink it all in. And while this may leave me open to negative experiences and even abuse from some people, I’d rather be passionate than lifeless. I am here for the life experience, the good and the bad.
Can you see my vibrance returning as I continue to climb out of my pit? I feel like I’ve been to the brink of despair and back again. And it feels good to be back.
Isn’t it wonderful to have these revelations? And make the all by yourself? 🙂
I know what you mean, being similar in my way of expressing things. It’s not bipolarity, I’d say it’s just being sensitive. It has it’s disadvantages, as you have noticed. In my case it means that I absorb people’s bad emotions very easily and feel bad because others feel bad, but when I’m at my best people tend to envy that passion I’ve for things.
And welcome back to surface. We’re here waiting for you with a little tea party. 😛
I am so happy for your to have had this revelation!!! Sometimes, when we figure something out like that on our own, it is an amazing feeling. I am so happy that you are BACK!!!
Very glad that you’re starting to feel better, sweetie! 🙂
That’s a big step forward, Jenna!
You keep making that good climb, Jenna! I would rather feel like I was living life to the max (including the bad bits) rather than feel like I was on the outside of it looking in (even if it isn’t as painful that way).
You are so right, Jenna!
I made myself that exact same reflection regarding the awful person I have to deal with occasionally: why should I feel like the inferior one, just because she treats me so? She is the one who’s making all the mistakes, she is hierarchically my inferior (which is probably why she hates me so, as I’m much younger than she is). What the hell?
That’s a wonderful, positive outlook you’ve taken on yourself. Each of our “weaknesses” is indeed part of our richness and can be turned into a strength. Thank you for reminding us of that! And you keep being that vibrant, intense woman we love so! 😀
It is truly a passionate person, and in no way a flaw. Dolts will abuse it but you have the power to brush it off and take it for what it means- nothing.
My husband , sister and a few other family members are like that as well. I think it refreshing and wonderfully honest. Why hide? Not to mention some of the most creative people are that exact same way! (The scissor painting idea for example. I wouldn’t have thought of it! *blush)
I am so happy for ya Jenna, what a wonderful discovery! *hugs*
(And it truly sucks (pardon the bluntness) for this other person who has nothing better to do than try to ride someone else’s energy to feel better about themselves.)
Guess the other person has such issues he /she feels the need to put you down to feel good about themself. How sad.
I had a revelation the other day, I was having a bad week and realised, only I can chase away the shadows.
Keep smilin’
xxx