A Journey to Self-Discovery Update (LONG!)

I’m up early today. Okay, early for me, at least the me that’s been having the problems with fatigue and sleeping a lot. It’s partly due to the Excedrin I had to take a few hours ago because I gave myself a headache from working on the computer too much yesterday. I fried my eyeballs. So, actually, blogging right now is probably a dumb thing to do. I was going to write it in one of my new journals (which I have yet to christen), but I can type so much faster than I can write and I wanted to keep up with my thoughts.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything under this category. I’m finding that the whole self-discovery process is an interesting one, filled with monumental changes, slow periods and fascinating revelations. My work with Dr. Steve is going well. We’re about to move from cognitive therapy into Gestalt, which will be much more emotional. Normally, this would be a little daunting for me, but since I’ve cried my way through the last two therapy sessions (I hadn’t cried in front of him before), it doesn’t seem to so bad now. The primary thing I’m discovering is that I am WAY too hard on myself. Harsher than any other human being in existence. That’s not a good thing, but after talking to my Florida dad and step-mom this past weekend, I’m finding that it’s common, at least amongst my family. So, at least I come by it honestly. The other thing that came out in my last session was that I am still carrying a lot of pain from the divorce. Even just writing that brings tears to my eyes, so I know that it’s true. I’m just frustrated with myself. That happened so many years ago. Over 15 years ago. Why have I not gotten over it and moved on? When I expressed that to Dr. Steve, his response seemed to be that that’s not how it works. Inside me is that young girl who is still in a lot of pain. And that pain needs to be worked through. Shoving it down and ignoring it will not work. Time does not heal all wounds.

I also get frustrated because I know that other people have had far worse experiences than me in their lives, but have gotten through them and moved on. Why am I having so much difficulty? For those of you who have read my autobiography, you know that the circumstances surrounding the divorce may have been painful and come at a challenging point in my development, but they weren’t that bad. But again, Dr. Steve’s response is that I’m far too hard on myself. I expect such fantastic things of myself. Too much, as it turns out.

I’m frustrated because I cannot fix my headache problems on my own. I feel like I should be able to use the power of my mind and overcome this. I’m strong, I’m intelligent and I know that the mind can create unexplainable illness in the body by the mere power of suggestion that no doctor can cure. So, why can’t I just snap myself out of this already? Dr. Steve’s answer? Again, I’m too hard on myself. Are you seeing a pattern here?

But, this post was not intended to be about my frustrations and the hurdles that yet lie ahead for me. It was to be a retrospective of the past few months since I began this journey. I have come so far and learned so much. I’ve learned that I need to be nicer to myself. I’ve learned that I am still looking for the right female role model. I’ve learned that I have massive issues with my mother. I am grateful to have a relationship with my biological father again, the one I refer to as my dad in Florida or my Florida dad, just to try to minimize confusion. Though biological father makes it sound like I’m adopted, he’s the only father I knew until my parents divorced and my mother remarried. I am very grateful to have 3 dads now. Terry’s dad treats me like the daughter he never had (Terry is an only child) and even refers to me as his Daughter (the capitalization is intentional, as he puts emphasis on the word, leaving off the in-law part). That is a relationship that remains untapped and I intend to start tapping it soon, starting with whenever we see him next (which I think will be this weekend).

I also had a major revelation just a day or so ago. I have a few relationships lingering in my life into which I can pour my energy, affection and attention, and yet I draw nothing from in return. Now, don’t get me wrong. I know it sounds selfish, but relationships are really supposed to be a give and take scenario. And if I am the one always doing the giving and never receiving anything in return, that is (in my mind) not a healthy relationship and not one which I will choose to continue. I think that is one of the major life lessons that I’m supposed to learn. It’s the reason that I’ve had these people thrown into my life repeatedly who leach off of me incessantly. 3 major players like that so far in my lifetime. The first one was my childhood neighbor. We moved away, so I did not resolve that one myself. The second one was a “friend” (and I use the term lightly) in college. I ended that one myself after graduation, though it was made easier by the fact that she was in Wisconsin at the time and I was in Delaware. The third was a co-worker who was forced into early retirement. Again, not resolved by my own choosing.

I think I’m a good person and people are drawn to me. I’m not intentionally patting myself on the back, so don’t think ill of me for saying this, but each of you has been drawn to me and my nature for specific reasons, as well. I attract people. Just not always the right kind of people. And I think I owe it to myself to pick and choose my relationships wisely. Instead of just accepting every single one that comes my way, I need to nurture the valuable ones (this entails putting in some more effort on my end) and cease the ones that hold no value for me. I owe it to myself to respect and love myself enough to do that. I truly do.

Equally important was the revelation I came to a week or so ago regarding female role models in my life. In dealing with my issues with my mom, I’ve realized that she is not the ultimate role model for me. Gasp, shock, horror! Seriously, though, as much as we would like to think that every mother should be the perfect role model for her children, it’s just not realistic. And in expecting her to be so, I think I have been too hard on her. After all, she’s only human. She’s struggling through her own issues on this earth, in this body, in this lifetime, just like the rest of us. I think the responsibility is mine to find good role models and mentors. You may or may not be curious about how I came to this realization. It truly is interesting, at least I think so. 🙂 Terry was speaking with his dad over a week ago about the latest woman that he has been seeing; a woman who lives in Canada, near his hometown and with whom he attended high school. Apparently, when she found out he was single again, she expressed a sincere desire to meet up with him again, so when he was in Canada a few weeks ago, they got together. It turns out that he had a really good time and really seems to like her. For some reason, I was upset with this. I had grown a little too attached to the last girlfriend. One who didn’t work out for him for various reasons. I really took some time to myself to analyze my reaction to the news that he was no longer seeing this woman. Why was I upset? Why did I care? What business was it of mine? Why was I so attached to this woman who was not right for him? Finally, it dawned on me. I was looking for a surrogate mother. And I had latched onto her, clinging for dear life, without even realizing it. I was depending on Terry’s dad to provide me with another mother. As I thought through this, the words surrogate mother seemed harsh. It was then that I figured out that I am really looking for a female role model. Since that role is usually fulfilled by a mother figure, I was naturally reaching out to anyone who might fit the bill. I now realize that I need to look elsewhere. Can you imagine the pressure that expectation would put upon poor Terry’s dad if he had known? Sheesh!

And so, the thought came to me overnight or this morning. I have a good role model available to me in my step-mother. My step-father has become a real father to me and provides me with such value as to be immeasurable and irreplaceable. Why can’t my step-mother provide similar value? It really comes down to the brief, yet important glimpse into her recent years that I had while talking to her at the family get-together this weekend. She and my Florida dad have, in the past 5 years, walked a path similar to the one upon which I am currently traveling. I think this is what has sparked such a major, fundamental change in my dad that has allowed us to develop a relationship again. And she fits the bill. She’s smart, intelligent, independent, pretty and she treats me more like an equal than a daughter. She feels more like an older sister in familial relationship than a mother. Perfect! Now all I need to do is talk to her about it and see if she would be willing to accept the role. I want to be able to sit down and really talk with her. Pick her brain, bounce things off of her. But, for the relationship to work, she has to be a willing participant. Which means she needs to know about it. 😆 I think that’s the problem with some of the relationships we develop in our lives. We have these unspoken expectations of the relationship and the other person. Ones of which they are not even aware. And when they fail to measure up, we are disappointed. And yet, that person never accepted such a responsibility, so how could they ever know or understand why we are disappointed in the relationship? Definitely a two-way street. And as I develop more and more inner strength, tapping the core of who I am to develop a solid foundation for myself, I realize that I need to communicate more often and more effectively. I cannot be afraid to express myself. I need to be even more open in my close familial relationships than I have been previously. That means talking to my Florida dad about issues, too. I’ve been avoiding painful subjects with him because the relationship still felt tenuous. I no longer feel that way. I think I owe it to the both of us, not to rehash the past, but to lay some important facts out there. Yes, I consider myself to have 3 dads. That does not diminish the importance of any one of them. But, in case I slip and call my step-dad “dad” in front of my biological father, I need him to know that it is not to hurt him. It’s just a fact. I don’t think that information will hurt him. In fact, it can only benefit the two of us by enabling more free-flowing conversations. I also want to find out, if he will talk to me about it, what caused such a fundamental change in him. I know that his past actions pain him, so I don’t want to revisit those. I want to let him know that I truly love him and forgive him for everything that has happened. The slate has been wiped clean and we are starting anew.

These are all things that I have not yet expressed to him. I think it’s time that we both stop dancing around the subject and just hit it head-on. Put it out there so that we both know were things stand. It doesn’t need to be a gruesomely detailed, painful conversation. In fact, I think it will be quite healing.

And I am more than ready for the healing to begin. It began in earnest last weekend by reconnecting with that side of my family. And it needs to continue for me to continue to grow.

Well, if you’ve stuck with me this long, you truly are a die-hard reader. 😀 I appreciate you allowing me to express myself freely, even if it is more for the purpose of capturing and cataloguing my thoughts. I hope that each of you are able to derive some value from these soul-baring episodes in return. Thanks for allowing me to babble on and for continuing to visit my blog! *hug*

Now, it is past time that I get in the shower and ready to go to work. Have a wonderful day and a wonderful weekend!