Lost in the World

I am really feeling lost. Not literally, of course. I have a GPS unit in the car that helps keep that from happening. But lost in that figurative sense of where am I, who am I, what is my place in this world, what am I doing, where am I going. I haven’t been able to focus on myself in ages. I haven’t made any attempt to exercise, read, listen to music, meditate or anything else that might help me feel more connected to the world or at least myself. In weeks! No wonder I feel so lost. I feel like a disembodied spirit who is just floating around in the atmosphere. It’s a very strange and uncomfortable sensation, especially for someone who likes to be in control whenever possible.

I feel unfocused. Uncentered. I feel a bit rudderless and wish I could see into the future to figure out what direction to travel in. I feel like I’m walking on tightropes, suspended way above the circus floor, but I’m not sure where to go next. I’m just stuck there, balancing, balancing, balancing… and waiting. But, for what?

I seem to be bouncing from headaches to depression and back again. Nothing excites me. At work or at home. I’m burned out and bored at work. I’m burned out from commitment stitching at home, but still have to plod through. And I mean PLOD. You know you’re in trouble when it feels like a chore that you have to force yourself into doing just to pick up your stitching. I just keep telling myself that if I can “just” finish this model and I can “just” prepare my round robin and I can “just” stitch up my panel of names for the Flight 93 quilt, then I can actually stitch on something for me – the Stitching Leporello. The unfortunate reality is that by the time I finish all of those “justs,” I’ll have to start Strawberries So Faire so that I can help to lead a formal SAL starting in July. I’m just trying really hard not to think that far out or I’ll depress myself into the worst stitching slump I’ve ever seen.

The good news is that I did manage to finish another stitching-related obligation this weekend – charting a tatty teddy freebie and modifying it for use in the Pentagon quilt. That and I put some good work into the model yesterday. Plus, I have to admit to a small new start. I started a new traveling piece (yes, my existing traveling pieces are still WIPs) on Saturday. We met Terry’s dad and his new girlfriend at their site in an RV park on Lancaster and stayed for the day. I wasn’t sure what we would be doing or how much of a chance I would get to stitch except for in the car, so I didn’t want to bring the model with me. Instead, I packed up the Shepherd’s Bush Happy Wishes fob kit and took it with me. I was able to make a bit of a start on the front of it, but I don’t feel like it’s enough to bother scanning, since the piece is so small. On the flip side, I’m now starting to understand why people say that these are too big to be scissors fobs. I’ll just have to wait and see how it finishes up.

On another random crafting note, I picked up two sets of patterns last week at WalMart. I finally found one set of patterns (just one) for skorts that, funnily enough, match the skirt patterns that I already had. I also picked up a set of patterns to make some sundresses. I have one little cotton sundress that I bought at the beach in Maryland back in college and I still love to wear it. I wanted more, but couldn’t find any in the catalogs or stores I regularly frequent for clothing. I especially love to wear mine after I come in from working outside in the hot sun and take a cool shower. There’s nothing like a thin little sundress after a shower. 🙂 Of course, I had a headache the day we found the patterns and Terry was tired, so neither of us was really up to picking fabrics, but I do want to go back and pick up at least one fabric and a zipper to try one or more of these new patterns. I’m not sure what has me in such a sewing mood. I suspect it’s a bug that I’m picking up, courtesy of the inspiration I derive on a regular basis from Isabelle‘s incredible talent as a seamstress. She just makes it look too easy! That, and the brilliant idea that came into my head recently to take all of the pants that I own which aren’t quite long enough and turn them into cropped pants. I did the first pair Friday night, but all it required was a trim of the fabric and a new hem. The remaining 5 pairs (yes, you read that right, 5 pairs, and those are the ones I didn’t throw out in disgust!) will require some tapering of the legs as well as a new hem. But I don’t think that will be bad, either, since I decided not to rip out the original side seam, but instead to just sew a new seam and cut off the excess fabric, including the old seam. No problem, right? Hah! We’ll see. I have my work cut out for me. I really need to clean up the floor of my craft room so that I can lay things out properly.

Ah yes, more stuff for me to do. ACK!

And finally, while I’m babbling incoherently, I’m thinking about going back to school. I’ve been looking at the Art Institute Online and have talked to an admissions representative. I’m thinking of getting a diploma in Digital Design. The major problem is time. Okay, time and money. Time because I would keep my full time job while I’m doing the schoolwork and money because school ain’t cheap! I’ve already thrown out a couple of feelers and think that I might be able to get my employer to pay for all or part of the diploma, but first I have to prove to myself that I can do it. So, my current plan is to talk to my sponsor at work and find out for sure if I could qualify for tuition reimbursement and then take a class to see if I can keep up with the time commitment.

What am I getting myself into???