Take a Deep Breath and Jump!

I’m feeling bold and unpredictable, stale and unchallenged (at least under-challenged). It’s time for a change. A drastic one.

As I work through this on-going process of finding myself again, I’m re-discovering the core essence of my being. I long to express my exuberant, energetic, fun and quirky inner child on a daily basis. I long to express and utilize my natural creativity regularly and in a manner that is profitable. I feel restless, completely unfulfilled and seriously in need of a challenge.

The other week, I was talking to Terry and realized that I am desperately, desperately unhappy. It really is true that money can’t buy you happiness. I feel guilty that, from the outside looking in, I seem to have a great life, with a good, stable job and just about everything I could want. And yet, I weep with an uncontrollable sadness that wells up from deep inside of me. I am not doing what makes me happy. I am not expressing myself creatively, through art, music or dance. Sure, I try to attend a Zumba class once a week, dance around my house and sing/listen to music for hours on end whenever I can (daily, if I’m lucky), but it’s just not enough. I’m not feeling challenged and I’ve come to realize that I’m not happy unless I’m stretching myself and pushing my boundaries. I think that I crave being forced just slightly out of my comfort zone and, for years, I’ve been comfortably numb, but it’s all coming to a head now.

I’ve talked about moving to a large city for several years now. I have no desire to live in Philadelphia and New York City doesn’t hold any real appeal for me. London was an original thought, but the rain and cold would not be good for my headaches and/or joints. Plus the cost of living is sky-high. So now my thoughts are turning to the west coast. What do I want to do? I don’t know. Where do I want to live? I don’t know, but I’m sure that figuring out what I want to do will help to dictate a location. I realize that it’s going to take me a while to figure things out, but I’ve made the decision to enact radical changes in my life and start moving in the right direction towards true happiness. Fortunately, I have the support of (most of) my family and my husband, who is willing to take the leap with me wherever I decide to go. I have always known that home is wherever my husband is and to have him behind me 100% makes this journey so much easier. I already have a fall-back plan in mind, but no big picture plan. Yet. Just making the decision to make a plan, though, has begun to quell the growing restlessness that I’ve been experiencing. We figure that it will take about 2 years before we can fully flesh things out and start enacting a plan. Some days that feels like a long time and some days it feels like it’s right around the corner. Regardless, it’s movement, which is what I need.

The most important thing is to not be afraid. After all, what’s the worst thing that can happen? I can fail. Well, okay then. I always have tried and true skills that I can fall back upon and I can pick up new ones in no time flat. But to be afraid to try is something that I would regret and I try to live a life without regret. So I’m ready to jump. I don’t know how far down the water is or what dive I’m going to execute, but I have time in the air to figure it out.

In the words of Chicago Tribune writer Mary Schmich: “Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don’t.”

Apparently, I’m very interesting. 😀