Here’s the Plan, Stan

All of today’s doctor visits went well.

My appointment with the psychiatrist was fine. I told him how I felt – that the depression seems to be leveling out and I’m feeling more “normal” but that I still feel like I am more anxious than I want to be. That the anxiety is not quite under control yet. Manageable, yes. Ideal, no. So, a change of medication is on tap for me. For those who are interested, I am currently taking 300 mg of Wellbutrin XL and 20 mg of Lexapro a day. The plan is for me to cut the Wellbutrin XL in half (literally) to take me down to 150 mg. At the same time, I am going to start on the Cymbalta. I will take 30 mg of the Cymbalta for 5-7 days and then go up to 60 mg of Cymbalta. I will stay on the same dosage of Lexapro (20 mg) for 3 weeks and then step down to 10 mg for one week and then discontinue the Lexapro entirely. The hope is that, by the time I stop taking the Lexapro, the Cymbalta will have had enough time to take full effect. If we have to, we can re-increase the Wellbutrin XL back to 300 mg, if I have any issues with the depression once the pendulum stops swinging from all of the other changes. I hope that won’t be the case.

My Dr. Steve appointment was fruitful, if in a different way than usual. I recounted my psychiatrist visit and he wrote down the medication changes for reference. Then I told him that my definition of “normal” has now changed and that I’m not willing to settle for where I’m at just now. He seemed pleased with that. We then taped a shorter, 15 minute relaxation tape for me to use that is customized just for me. I closed my eyes and went through the techniques while he was taping them and he was able to tailor his pauses and prompts to how I reacted. Very nice. 🙂 He had previously given me a 30 minute version that was too long for me to be able to use when I’m having trouble falling asleep. With any luck, I may not have to take any more sleeping pills. The psychiatrist was concerned a few months ago when I said I was having trouble sleeping, so he had prescribed Rozerem for me, but it didn’t give me consistent results, so he switched me to Lunesta when I last saw him in January. While I only take it a couple of times a month, it would be really nice to not use them at all.

And now for something (not so) completely different.

You may not know this about me, but I really don’t like being on medication. When it was just the Wellbutrin when I was a teenager, that was one thing. The addition of oral contraceptives when I was diagnosed with endometriosis didn’t bother me too much more. But now, between what I take every day and what I have to keep nearby in case of sinus problems, migraines, IBS, etc. is just driving me crazy. I don’t like it. I really don’t. I know that I need to accept the limitations of my body and the genetics with which I was conceived and that I should be grateful that there are medicines available to help me, but sometimes I really rail against it. I had a 1 quart Ziploc bag full of prescription bottles when we went to Utah. I felt like a traveling pharmacy. 🙁 The funny thing is that I’m really a quite happy and well-adjusted little thing. If you didn’t know me better, you would probably have no idea that I have so many stupid health quirks to deal with. I really don’t feel like I have any major health issues. I feel happy and healthy most of the time. And I don’t like to let on when I’m having problems, either physically or emotionally. Until recently, I think that I managed to hide it all very nicely.

I’m not sure what has changed. Or when. Maybe it’s just my strong desire to be open and honest in all of my relationships. Don’t get me wrong, most people still don’t know half of what goes on in my life. Unless you are a close co-worker who happens to know about my migraines because I’ve had to reschedule a meeting at the last minute or jump up from something to run to the bathroom with an IBS attack (and not many people even know that because I have an incredible strong will and muscles…) or you are someone I consider to be a close friend or a very immediate member of the family, I don’t reveal much. I don’t like to whine. I like to be positive. I like to live my life with passion, purpose and joy.

I just felt like I had to clarify that, because I feel like I’ve been moaning and groaning about this, that or the other problem on this blog lately. I know that it’s MY blog, but I don’t particularly want to hear it, either. And besides, no matter what impression I might give, I’m really not a spindly, weak person with failing health. I’m a strong, independent woman with a couple of chronic problems who desperately does not EVER want to turn into an invalid. I guess I just need to remind myself to stop dwelling on the stupid little things so much. Overall, I am really lucky and I live a great life. I guess there just have to be a few trade-offs to keep the balance. 😉