Tale of a Shooting Star…

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this
see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a
fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells
her “Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your
rose buds show!” and out she goes. The next day the teenager comes
down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she
has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate…The
grandmother says, “Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your
rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.”

TOILET-SQUATTING EXERCISE CLASS

My mother was a fanatic about public toilets.

As a little girl, she’d bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up
toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she’d carefully lay strips of
toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she’d instruct, “Never,
never sit on a public toilet seat.”

And she’d demonstrate “The Stance,” which consisted of balancing over
the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your
flesh make contact with the toilet seat. But by this time, I’d have
wet down my leg. And we’d go home.

That was a long time ago. Even now in our more mature years, The
Stance is excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one’s bladder is
especially full. When you have to “go” in a public bathroom, you
find a line of women that makes you think there’s a half-price sale
on Mel Gibson’s underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely
at all the other ladies, also crossing their legs and smiling
politely. And you finally get closer.

You check for feet under the stall doors.

Every one is occupied.

Continue reading →

Q: How many women with PMS, or MENOPAUSE, does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows
HOW to change a light bulb! They don’t even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They
would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.

And, once they figured it out, they wouldn’t be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite
the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did,
by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to
stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND
UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!!
BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T
ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT
THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON’T
EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !! . . .

I’m sorry. What was the question?

[begin rant]

I fail to understand why “mental illness” is not treated like any other medical problem. It’s typically caused by an imbalance in brain chemicals. To me, this is the same as having a problem with your thyroid or having to take insulin because your body doesn’t produce the right amount. Or the more popular, having to take some sort of proton pump inhibitor to help limit acid production in your stomach because you experience too much and/or too frequent heartburn. We even have over the counter medicine for this now.

Heck, we plaster commercials all over TV about medications to help men have “a more quality sexual experience.” But my suffering from depression is something that’s not mentioned in polite company. EXCUSE ME?!?!?!?!? Since when (and why, for goodness sake) did it become more socially acceptable to suffer from erectile disfunction than from depression?

I think our culture and our medical community have their priorities screwed up…

[end rant]

We had an interesting time outside today. It’s still WAY hot, for starters. I wanted to clean out the weeds underneath the clematis trellis so that we could get some good photos of this season’s blooms (see my landscape photos in my gallery).

Terry gets the weedwacker in as close as he can without endangering the clematis stems against the trellis and then we both crouched down and started pulling out clumps of grass and weeds. So, we’re more than halfway done pulling things out directly under the lattice when a little mini bumblebee decides to buzz around me and then close enough for to feel its wings on my neck. Of course, I squealed, which sounds a little loud once it bounces off of the woods. I was mildly embarrassed. Odd that a bumblebee was that aggressive. So, I keep on going and pull out a huge clump of grass, roots and all, that came out way too easily. And before I know it, there are 3, no 4, bumblebees. At this point, I backed off and stayed really still. And as I’m looking at the ground where I just pulled out the grass, where the bumblebees are swarming, I start to see more of these pint-sized fuzzy fliers coming out of the ground.

Did anyone else know that bumblebees nest in the ground? Because I sure didn’t! Anyway, we ended up leaving those little guys alone for a while.

Continue reading →

Okay, truth time. I’ve been running off of a borrowed 19″ LCD monitor for the past couple of months and I just really felt it was time to buy my own. I’ve been scoping out flat panels for a while, looking for something better than the standard 25 ms response time, which is pretty lame for gaming. A little while back, I found the Acer AL1914 on buy.com for less than $300. I had saved it to my wishlist, but was balking at even that extraordinary price, thinking I didn’t use my home computer enough to warrant it. Well, with last month being an extra paycheck month, plus our profit share check month, too, there was just no reason not to…

I went out to buy.com’s site a couple of nights ago, opened my wishlist and proceeded to add to cart… no wait, it says it’s no longer available from the manufacturer – NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Crud, I waited too long. And it had a lovely 12 ms response time and 600:1 brightness (which isn’t too bad) for that price, too. Now what? Well, I looked some more, found out that Acer actually sells the same model in a 8 ms response time version, as well. Found it at newegg.com for $330. Okay, so they don’t do free shipping. Add another $12. Still not too shabby. Ordered it and two days later, it’s here!

Continue reading →