I have way too much going on right now. It’s very overwhelming.
The good news? After our sailing expedition the other weekend, we had so much fun that we decided to buy a boat. We go to the dealer tomorrow to sail it and potentially take it home with us. I can’t wait to be able to go out onto the Chesapeake Bay and escape all of the noise, hassle and stress for a weekend. Ahhhhhhhh… won’t that be nice? In the meantime, I still need to get a life vest for Phoebe (yes, they make them for dogs) and make sure that we have all of our ducks in a row before we leave next Wednesday morning for Canada for a week. For those who have asked, we are going to be driving up to Saint John, New Brunswick for the Saturday nuptials of Terry’s dad. It’s the same day as Christine V‘s wedding. 🙂
In other news, there are several stories running concurrently. I have managed to get back onto my feet on the work front and even though I am still bored and dissatisfied with my job, I am getting a lot accomplished. So far, this week, I have been juggling a minimum of two different projects during the day, but often more. That’s more like my normal self, but it is exhausting.
I saw a gastroenterologist on Friday morning regarding my chronic IBS and some stomach pains that I’ve had recently. As a result, a small barrage of tests have been ordered. Yesterday, I had an abdominal ultrasound of all of the organs floating around in my midsection. I also stopped in and had blood taken for the blood tests that he ordered. Friday morning I will be having an upper GI with small bowel study. This is where I get to drink some thick liquid that I’m just praying isn’t too nasty and they chase it through my digestive tract. At least, that’s what I think it is. If you have unpleasant stories about a similar procedure, please don’t share them with me. I am trying to stay positive about it, so I only want to hear if you have a story where it was much easier than you thought it would be. Or something along those lines. I’ll go back to see him in late August (I’m on vacation, then he is) for the follow-up to see what the results of all of the tess show and see if there is a need for him to do a colonoscopy.
On the psychological front, I have been feeling a little bit down lately but I seem to be leveling out. Even if that level is a little lower than my normal, chipper self. My psychiatrist gave me an official diagnosis of Bipolar II on Friday. I convinced him to delay any change in medication for a month, since we’re going away and I didn’t want to be away on vacation in the middle of a med. change. I see him again in August and will take up the argument discussion again at that time. I’m trying to take this time to do my homework about bipolar disorder to see if I agree with his diagnosis, what treatment alternatives are available and how I can help to manage my highs and lows.
I have to say that I am very anxious about this diagnosis, even though I got a hint of it from Dr. Steve weeks before. Several people have advised me to get a second opinion, but getting in with a new psychiatrist around here takes a good bit of time. Terry and I have had some in-depth discussions about it. From what I’ve read of the standard symptoms and descriptions of the four possible levels of bipolar disorder, I happen to agree that I fit into that category. It’s the treatments that I’m concerned about. Many of the available drugs seem to be concerned about treating the manic symptoms where I’m more worried about the depression symptoms. I’ve only ever had two episodes that seem to qualify as hypomanic (less than full mania and not really disruptive to my life), so I’m much less concerned with those at the moment. It’s the depressive episodes that I would prefer to get under control. I really don’t like the side effects associated with many of the medications, either. I looked at the one the psychiatrist wants to put me on (Abilify) and I don’t know that I’m willing to risk the side effects. One of the potential serious side effects is tardive dyskinesia, which may be irreversible. As an artist (whether I am one professionally or not, I still consider myself to be one at heart), I cannot afford to have uncontrollable twitching. Especially if it’s permanent.
Can I just say here and now that I SERIOUSLY object to the fact that he wants to put me on a drug that is classified as an antipsychotic? I am not psychotic! I’m railing against the added stigma of being diagnosed as being bipolar (as if being depressed wasn’t enough stigma), now I’m a psycho? Sheesh. I know that I’m probably blowing it out of proportion, but I’m in a very uncomfortable place right now. So far, I like to think that I’ve really tried to roll with the punches, trying different medications, being very open and honest in therapy, but I’m hitting a bit of a brick wall on this one.
And so, with that weighing heavily on my mind, I go to see Dr. Steve tonight. I plan on focusing the discussion on this new diagnosis, what it truly means and what non-medicinal treatment options are available to me. I found a pretty good site (named bipolar.com, go figure) that explained that episodes can often be triggered by things like stress. Which really helped to explain what sent me on this journey in the first place (when my grandfather died) and has continued to affect me (stress at work). They have a mood tracker that I printed out and have been filling out every day so far that is supposed to help you recognize your triggers. I think that this could be really helpful. And suddenly, the investment in a boat seems even more sound than before. 😉
Terry has agreed to go in with me for the August appointment with the psychiatrist so that I have a little extra help. I think I’m going to ask Dr. Steve to include him in tonight’s session, as well. I want both of us to really be on the same page so that Terry can help me make informed decisions about my treatment. Besides, I swear he knows me better than I know myself, so it’s good to have another person describing my behaviors, even if he doesn’t know how I’m feeling inside.
Right now, I’m just trying to take life one day at a time. Sometimes, one hour at a time. Whatever it takes.