I would count this as a realization, but I’ve always known this for a fact – Life is NOT Fair.
My best friend at work has been having some breathing difficulties on and off for nearly 6 months. She has gone to the doctor repeatedly and was told that it must be allergies. Given that I think we currently reside in a “sick” office building, I wasn’t surprised. However, last week her chest congestion and breathing problems worsened and she became very concerned. She went to the doctor for the third time about this issue and this time he sent her for a chest x-ray. The x-ray revealed that something foreign had infiltrated both lungs, so they sent her for a CAT scan with the contrast dye injected into her bloodstream. She was told that it could be lung cancer, damage to her lungs from previous radiation and chemotherapy treatments or a bad infection. Obviously, she was hoping for the latter. Unfortunately, it was not meant to be. Yesterday, she went to her oncologist and received the news that it was most probably lung cancer. They need to run some needle biopsies and several other tests to prove the diagnosis conclusively and determine treatment.
This is where the “life isn’t fair” part comes in. My dear friend has survived breast cancer – TWICE. She also had a small mass removed from her arm a couple of years ago that required no further treatment. This woman has been through hell and back (excuse my language) and now she’s going to have to go through it all over again. Cancer has cast a huge shadow over her life for so many years. Everytime she has a health problem, she worries that the cancer has come back again. And here it is.
I called and spoke with her yesterday afternoon and she was very calm about it, but she did admit that she was still in shock. Of course, my selfish instincts have me wracking my brain to figure out what I can possibly do for her. I found a website that sells products for every cancer known to man (practically), so I filled up a cart. I then abandoned it, thinking that there is always still some remote possibility that she won’t have it and that I should wait until all of the test results come back. I know that it is wishful thinking, but part of me insists on waiting.
And yet another part of me groans inwardly, saying “Not again!” You may remember that all hell started to break loose in my life around this time last year. By this time last year, I had lost my maternal grandmother, my mother-in-law (Mom2) and was a little over a month away from losing my paternal step-grandfather. He had lung cancer, too.
I feel like I’m going through all the stages of grief nearly simultaneously and I haven’t even lost her (and hopefully, I won’t). I am in denial, I’m scared, I’m sad and I’m angry, all at the same time. I just want to beat my breast, look up towards the heavens and scream “WHY?!” I feel an insatiable need to rip the pink bracelet off of my arm, run out and buy supplies to make a new one in pearl/clear, which is the color of the lung cancer awareness ribbon. Better yet, I want to make one in three colors – pink for breast cancer, pearl for lung cancer and purple for cancer survivors – just for her. In fact, I may stop at Michael’s on my way home from my appointment with Dr. Steve tonight to pick up the beads. I feel so helpless, powerless to help her. And yet, I feel guilty because I know that what she is going through is worse and so much more important than my own reaction. But I can’t help her deal with this challenge until I deal with it myself.
I wonder what the life lesson is here, both for her and for me. For her, I told her yesterday that I think it’s yet another wake up call. She has so many things that she has always wanted to do in her life and she hasn’t gone out and done them. I told her that we need to come up with a plan to get her where she wants to go, doing what she wants to do, being who she wants to be. This may be her last chance or it may not. But how can you go wrong with knocking out those important life to-do items that we all put off?
My friend’s name is Mary. Please keep in your thoughts, send her healing energy, pray for her or whatever you happen to do for people in need.
Thank you for allowing me a venue to express my feelings.