Tale of a Shooting Star…

Little boy goes to his father and asks “Daddy, how was I born?” The
father answers: “Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out
anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a
cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed
to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload,
we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it
was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed
little Pop-Up appeared and said: You’ve Got Male!”

Just remember… these are meant to be funny, not useful! 😉

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn’t move and
should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember:
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this
see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a
fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells
her “Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your
rose buds show!” and out she goes. The next day the teenager comes
down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she
has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate…The
grandmother says, “Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your
rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.”

TOILET-SQUATTING EXERCISE CLASS

My mother was a fanatic about public toilets.

As a little girl, she’d bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up
toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she’d carefully lay strips of
toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she’d instruct, “Never,
never sit on a public toilet seat.”

And she’d demonstrate “The Stance,” which consisted of balancing over
the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your
flesh make contact with the toilet seat. But by this time, I’d have
wet down my leg. And we’d go home.

That was a long time ago. Even now in our more mature years, The
Stance is excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one’s bladder is
especially full. When you have to “go” in a public bathroom, you
find a line of women that makes you think there’s a half-price sale
on Mel Gibson’s underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely
at all the other ladies, also crossing their legs and smiling
politely. And you finally get closer.

You check for feet under the stall doors.

Every one is occupied.

Continue reading →

Q: How many women with PMS, or MENOPAUSE, does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows
HOW to change a light bulb! They don’t even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They
would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.

And, once they figured it out, they wouldn’t be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite
the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did,
by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to
stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND
UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!!
BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T
ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT
THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON’T
EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !! . . .

I’m sorry. What was the question?