Tale of a Shooting Star…

This is an ode to the three men in my life whom I am proud to call “Dad.” On Father’s Day, it only seems fitting that I look back upon my life and three of the strongest male influences therein.

Tim:
Did you have any idea, when you held that tiny little girl in your arms for the first time, what wonders the future would hold for me? I suspect that, despite already having one child under your belt, you were ill-prepared for me. And how could you be? That ball of fire and energy who stood in her crib and sang in the middle of the night? The goofball who liked to wear her underwear on her head? The free spirit who ran away from having a fresh diaper put on her bottom and left evidence of what surely must have been an intolerance of lactose in little while bleach spots all over the carpet? That independent, 4-going-on-40 soul who loudly proclaimed her name to be Jenna at the tender age of one and a half years old and would not allow anyone to call her otherwise?
You taught me about my Irish ancestry and provoked my curiousity about our family roots, inspiring a life-long pride of my heritage. You showed me the meaning of the German work ethic, teaching me to be strong and self-reliant. You taught me to be handy so that I have no fear of home improvement projects, having painted rooms and replaced a roof. You fostered in me a love of the outdoors, despite my seeming inability to grasp the concept of half-running, half-jogging down a steep slope in the woods. I still remember that head-first slide in the dirt and you taking me back to my grandparents’ house, wailing all the way. I was coated in dirt from head to toe, with my tears leaving muddy little trails on my face. I remember blowing all of that dirt out of my nose as you helped wash the dirt out of my hair and everywhere else I had managed to get it.
More recently, you have helped me in my endeavors to find my spiritual center, to know myself better and be at ease with myself. You have shown me that people can truly make major changes in their life, with time and the desire to do so. You have allowed me to heal wounds that I had buried so deep, for so long, that I had nearly forgotten that they were there. You have shown me that vulnerability is not something to be afraid or ashamed of. And you have helped me to reconnect with a side of my family that I chose to walk away from, filling a hole inside of me that I didn’t even know existed. Most of all, you help me to understand myself better by understanding you better.

Chuck:
I am amazed that you willingly took in a tender 14-year-old child, brimming with the desire to become a woman and yet filled with the doubts and uncertainty which that age and circumstances brought along with it. You taught me the meaning of patience. You taught me how to drive a car, at the expense of the car’s clutch. 😉 You saw me through several car accidents and yet somehow knew that no lectures were necessary, that I was harder on myself than anyone else could ever be. And when I was afraid to drive again, you encouraged me to get back on the horse and try again. You showed me what unconditional love truly is. You loved and supported me for many years while I struggled to find a “slot” for you and everything else in my newly-changed life, before I finally accepted you.
You introduced me as your daughter, with no “step” attached or any need for explanation as to how a man with your youth could possibly have a daughter my age. You treat me like an equal. You value my ideas and accept them in the spirit in which they are offered. I am still continually surprised that you take the unvalidated wisdom of a woman in her early 30’s and are willing to apply it to your business. It is the ultimate compliment. You are willing to let me ramble on as I work through separating spiritual truths from the chaff. You make even periods of silent contemplation comfortable. You allow me to be me with no reservations and no hesitation. Like Tim before you, you have taught me to be comfortable with tools and to feel like I can tackle any project. You are always certain of my competence, even when I am not.
You were my rock during a time when I needed a lot of support. You were my coach as I prepared to leave the nest and venture out on my own. You were (and still are) my soft place to fall. You are the shining light of optimism when my ideals fall short of reality. You are my cheerleader and the one who constantly reminds me of the beautiful person that I am from the position of one who is a father by choice, not just circumstance. And although we don’t often get to spend much time together, I have learned to treasure those moments, whether they be filled with spiritual conversation, talk about any variety of subjects or merely a knowing, understanding silence.

Gerry:
You are another who has chosen to play the role of a father. I was blessed to not be bequeathed with “in-laws” at the moment of my marriage to Terry, but with another set of parents. You also call me daughter with pride and pleasure. You have shown me what it means to live life with true honesty and integrity. You have fought the rat race and won. You have saved wisely and spent freely, showing me a generosity unlike that which I have ever known and also showing me the value of saving for the future. You have demonstrated what it truly means to love someone in sickness and in health, until death do you part. You have shown strength and courage in difficult times and pride and joy in the wonderful ones, as well.
You have helped me to rebuild my confidence. You have taught me the wisdom to stay alive in the dog-eat-dog world of technology. You have helped me to regain some of the sassy extroversion of my youth, something I lost long ago and had no hopes of ever retrieving. You are a fun verbal sparring partner, allowing me to send answering retorts of arrogance without having to worry about how the blows will land. You have shown me that love can be sweeter the second time around and that acting your age is highly overrated. 😀 You have also taught me not to vacation with people who don’t share your vacation goals. 😉 You have shown me what it means to stand up for the people that you love and while you can be a terrible influence on your son sometimes, you have also helped to shape him into the incredible man that he is. You have taught me a lot in the 10 years that I have known you and I’m sure you will continue to teach me more as time marches on.

I have been blessed to know all three of you. Each of you have come into my life at a time when I needed you most and I am fortunate to still have you with me today. There may sometimes be some awkwardness when referring to one of you in the presence of another and I may not have figured out what to call you to one another, but you are each “Dad” to me. Thank you for being in my life.

Happy Father’s Day!

I’m pretty sure that I’m coming down off of the up end of a manic swing. I’m really hoping that’s not what it was, but I’m reasonably certain that it is.

It started at the beginning of this week. I had pretty intense stomach pain on Monday and Wednesday. Both of those nights, I had such active dreams at night that, while I thougth I slept soundly, the dreams were vivid and I can remember portions of them even now. As a result, I was so exhausted on Tuesday and Thursday mornings that I was completely incapable of waking up and making it into work both days. I didn’t wake up until nearly 2 PM both days.

That was suspicious, but what finally nailed it was when I woke up on Friday morning, determined to work from home (due to advertised parking issues), started some processes running and then proceeded to start freaking out. When I say freaking out, I mean that I scrubbed the shower while I was in it, then I went to the post office, then grocery shopping. I’ve been putting off the grocery shopping for months. Our house was almost completely devoid of meals. We bought so much that it nearly didn’t fit in the shopping cart. And I kept going. I scrubbed both sides of the kitchen sink with stainless steel cleaner, I stitched, I started some finishing work, I felt unstoppable.

We napped at one point, late in the evening, for a couple of hours, then stayed up until 2:00 AM. By the time I crawled into bed at 2:30 AM, I knew that I was in trouble, because I didn’t feel very tired. I laid there for over an hour, unable to drop off into la-la land. I finally got up and went downstairs to do some more stitching. Two hours later (5:30 AM), my body was dead tired, but my brain was still going. I was starting to get a headache, so I gave up and went up to bed again. At this point, the sun was starting to come up and the bedroom was getting decidedly brighter. I laid for a little while longer and then finally gave in and took a sleeping pill. Even that took some time to kick in.

I slept until 11-ish this morning, but didn’t feel like getting out of bed, so I slept for a few hours more. I made plans in my head to start going to bed at 11 PM every weeknight, waking up at 6 AM and taking a walk with Phoebe around the development before starting my day. And I’ve had this irresistible urge to clean. Trust me, that doesn’t happen very often. I transplanted the remaining tomato plants, planted some salad mix seeds, fed and watered the garden, picked bad bugs off of the plants, came back in, had an IBS attack, showered, had another IBS attack, helped Terry make dinner (unprecedented for me, especially when I’m not feeling well), made pasta salad for dinner tomorrow and planned to make some dessert later. I’m feeling like I’m getting a headache again, but I still have a fair amount of energy. I just hope that I can settle down for bed in a little while so that I can get up in the morning and take Phoebe for a short walk.

The bottom line is that, while I enjoy having this increased level of energy, I know that it’s probably not normal and that it is likely to end soon. I’m nervous about talking to the psychiatrist about it when I see him in two weeks. He’s already suspicious, based on one previous episode and my family history, that I might suffer from bipolar disorder. I’m afraid that this latest episode is going to cause him to want to change my medications. My biggest fear is that I’ll be put onto something different and it will turn me into a zombie. While I don’t like the lows of this past week, I don’t mind living my life with highs and lows. That’s how life is. I don’t want to be “even.” That means, to me, unexciting, unfeeling and numb.

So, we’ll see what happens. I wanted to make sure I chronicled what happened so that I can share it with Dr. Steve next week and then my psychiatrist the week after. Wish me luck!